Wanna know a secret?

I miss you and even though it was a drunken phone call, it was nice hearing your voice.

Honestly-

I don't really care for you at all anymore. You just annoy the helllll out of me.

I wish that love wasn't so complicated. I wish you would get out of my head. I wish I could just get over you and stop thinking about if I really made the right decision or not. Did I make the right decision, if we tried it again would it work better than it did before?

I can't deal with all this stress; between midterms and all this crap floating around in my head I'm just getting more and more stressed.

-GO AWAY. I know that there's something wrong with you but you're really, REALLY annoying.
-I miss you darling and at times it feels like we're drifting :/
-You're a stupid bitch. You don't know when to close your mouth do you?
-Get out of my head, you're not welcome here
-I'm glad I have you here to somewhat take my mind off of things and to give someone my attention to. Just ask me out already will you? :P
-When will you realize that your relationship or potential relationship is terrible and unhealthy? She treats you crappy and next time you think back at the good times, think of the bad ones too.
-I appreciate everything you do for me and I don't think you realize how much you mean to me.

I gotta go study for exams even though I'm going to fail.

You're blind, can't you see what's right in front of you?

Straight up that's not going to happen. I'm not going to be some toy for you to play with when there's no one else around. I actually like you and you're just using me. Or at least that's what it feels like. No, that's not going to happen. Sorry darling.

So I think I've found someone to keep me occupied for the time being. I don't know who he is or what his name is but I'm going to find him. Seeing as it's hopeless liking the guy I do this is me giving up and attempting to get over him.
Hot boy is probably like 20ish, but I don't care! He thought I was cute because he smiled at me :]

Anyways, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

Note to self: I miss you terribly, this is what we call a tragedy. Come back to me, come back to me.

God I hate this. I miss you. I think it's more of I miss what we had and having someone there. Before things went bad, they were really good, weren't they? Talking to you tonight was nice but really depressing. I kinda want to sit in a corner and cry now. -__-

AND YOU. You need to stop being "I'm so lonely this, I'm so lonely that." Okay yeah, I get it you're lonely but you know I'M RIGHT HERE. If you didn't want to be lonely, you have me but you're not willing to give it a chance. Well maybe you are but you're not "emotionally ready" ugh. I hate that. I just want you to see and maybe I can help you get over her, but you'll never know. If things keep going the way they are, I'm not going to be here. I can't do this much longer.

"I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you
I know you want me to want you I want to "


This song applies to so many of my problems right now.

Today-

was a VERY long, aggravating day.
When I woke up this morning I felt like crying. My dream was fantastic but I know it'll never come true, so I just need to give up now.
So, I was suppose to have three performances today.
I only had two. Yeah, I was pretty pissed that I got up that early to find out that we weren't performing. I KNEW that we weren't going to but no one said anything so I had to be there. I got there and the stage was DRENCHED. Ugh. After that Talia, Courtney, and I headed to Courtney's house and the mall. I got new jeans and plaid shirt at Pac-Sun! :D
AND we ate with Miss Tiff in the mall :D After that, we went to Courtney's got ready for the 2nd show and performed. Carol of the Bells was freaking FANTASTIC and so was everything else.
AFTER THAT, we went back to Courtney's got ready for the parade and then headed to the studio. I was informed that I was like from like 3 different parents, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW THAT but WHATEVER. The parade went smoothly and I swear, I was about to slap a hoe. The younger girls in company were ridiculous. They're so immature and fucking stupid. THEY INFURIATE ME.
I saw Josh and Ren at the parade! :D

Okay, so this whole me being grounded thing really pisses me off. I have a 79 but I'm going to bring it up. Forreal. SUCK IT, PARENTS.
Whatever, at least Ellen's allowed over tonight and I have like a half hour to get her and what not :P

I'm EXHAUSTED from the day, I just wanna fall asleep now ]:
Oh well. For me being grounded I've had a pretty good day.

And to you, I wish you would just give me a chance. I can help you fill that void that you have, but I'm not going to be here much longer for you. This is just hurting me and I'd rather not be upset all the time.

---------------------------

"The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here"

<3